I literally, physically, and in all senses, don't have time for dA. Which is to say, I don't have time to be friends with all the people on dA who either like me or that I actually like back. There are a lot of you
Once the Christmas season is over, most of what I'm doing on dA is going to be about me. I hate this, but it has to be that way. I'm still doing art. I still want to do a lot of art. I want to do a lot of art for myself, and for everyone else, and even for people I don't know. But actually juggling a social life with that is asking too much of me. Poking me with links or videos or quizzes or games to try is asking too much of me. Holding conversations with me is asking too much of me. That's stupid, right? It's really stupid. I'm bad at holding up to human standards because I'm just trying to actually be alive.
There are countless people on dA who I wish I could talk to each day. Journals, polls, streams, other art? All of that. I'm pretty sure a whole lot of you who I used to poke often have noticed that I don't do that anymore. In most of your cases, it's not you
, it's all me
. It's not a lack of interest. Just of time, energy, and resources -_- I don't understand how most people, young and old, manage to balance a social life, a personal life, hobbies, video games, finances... there's some secret that I wasn't let in on when I was born, I guess. The rest of you can have all these things and I can only pick one at a time. If I have friends, then it becomes hard to do art. If I do art, then I have no time for video gaming, reading, even showering. Lately I've started doing more exercises, taking walks every single day, focusing on a lot of long-term goals. Guess what I lost for that? Any time to talk to anyone or to even keep up a basic conversation once in a blue moon. It's too hard. I don't know how to do it.
When January rolls around, I'm probably going to roll out a few things. A Patreon, for one. I'm aware that as someone who's basically a nobody, I'm not going to be swimming in dough by having one of these. It's going to help me out a little bit, I'm going to do what I can for the little bit people lend to me, and hopefully that's enough for me to keep going. There are other things I want to do too, but we'll see when we see.
I'm really sorry that I'm the most inconvenient person that everybody for some reason likes. There are people talking to me, tagging me for journals, wishlists, such things. I don't even have time to write up a short holiday wishlist that would basically open me up to get free stuff from people. Isn't that stupid? I feel elated, absolutely beyond happy
when people draw me stuff, but I can't even give myself the spare time to put out a little wishlist during the holiday season when people are being generous to one another and would happily oblige. And that's to say nothing of all the other things I just don't have the time for either... that's part of why I end up hiding a lot. I know there are friends on here who I'm being bad to by not being able to attend them better. So instead I just avert my gaze from everybody altogether. It's too hard.
I'm sorry if I seem distant when next year starts. I assure you, I'm not going to be cold toward anybody (that doesn't deserve it); I don't mean that kind of distant. But if I'm that much harder to get a personal hold of, even just for light chatter, you know why. I tried. I honestly did. But I just lack something and I don't know what it is, and if I ever want to be happy, I have to pick and choose what to let go of, and considering I'm already basically an outcast enough among people for not sharing any interests with anyone or having time to watch/play/read the things you all do, I feel I'd find more personal happiness in at least trying to pursue those things. I miss reading. I miss doing art for myself without the figurative loom of eyes above me. I miss sitting down with an RPG and getting lost in it. I miss being able to find something to eat and shower without being stressed that it's thirty minutes out of my day that's no longer going toward all the other things I feel like I need to put time to instead.
I barely have time for my three best friends. And I suck pretty badly toward two of them on a consistent basis.
I'm sorry that you all like me. And generally speaking, that you all have to go through an episode with me every year when it inevitably happens. And I had more to say here but I've been typing too long now and I generally lose track of my words once I've done that and it all kinda falls apart, so. Yeah. I'm bad at talking.
Please spend your Christmas and related efforts on people who are better equipped to give it back better. You'll probably be a lot happier that way. I need to start being someone who does what I can to be myself more than I otherwise have. I pretty much never get to be myself anymore.
I promise that myself is someone who knows how to smile, though.
/absolutely incoherent mess>Go enjoy your holidays, please.