Ugh, I don't want to make this another incoherent rambling nightmare. I don't even have the energy for that, frankly... (it turned out long anyways, but it's very coherent, so it's not hard to read, thankfully)
So like, remember when my laptop fan broke and I suddenly had to slow down? That cost me $129 or whatever that amount came to, and that number hurt me a lot at the time and actually cost me much more in time/energy than what merely $129 amounts to. I was just, just, just finishing one commission for someone at the time, and was about 50% done a much bigger commission for someone else (this person is very much aware of who they are, I reckon). But when my fan broke, I got taken off my laptop and so all my artistic energy just went straight to hell. All my emotional energy went straight to hell too. Without my laptop, I have my
old laptop that is a very slow, pained computer that needs no abuse and has trouble enough running as-is. Being on here is very limiting, and very boring, and is something of a happiness sap just inherently. I am glad I have her as a backup, but it is not something that helps anyone.
When my main laptop came back, I had no desire to do my commissions, so I took a short break for myself. There was a (non-art) contest elsewhere online and something related to someone whose content I like, so I gave my brain a break and went to play in the contest for a couple weeks. Right at the end of those couple of weeks, everything in my life got a lot worse, online and offline. I don't remember if I've ever posted about it or when, but at some point, it was cemented as truth that a job I really want near home wasn't something I could have. I
really wanted this job and it went magically from "this is gonna be great" to "welp I physically can't work there" and I was really stunned for a few days. So I started taking time off from EVERYTHING to just, relax. To just relax. Rena time. I needed Rena time. Real Rena time, where I don't think about anyone or anything.
After that? Everything else around me just crumbled, instead. Like, every little thing. I've had multiple emotional BSoDs at the hands of other people. I'm always angry. I hate so many people, and I'm struggling right now with my best friend for reasons that aren't either one of our faults, but basically are making things from both of us to the other really difficult, and it's really tragic because neither of us wants what we're causing the other. But it's making my heart hurt like crazy, and I don't want to hurt this person any further by being a dumbass. But that's really not the worst of things.
Among other things, I have gained an unnecessary amount of weight, and even eating less and working out more seems to not be having any effect. I'm just staying stable instead of gaining more, which makes me think I might have fucked my metabolism somehow, which is awful because I've been blessed with a pretty good one for most of my life, if I understand correctly. And atop of this, probably nobody in the world knows this, but I basically sit on caffeine like crazy right now. Yes, Rena. Yes. Really. I'm not like some jittery schoolkid who can't go without a Red Bull fix, but it's just been something that was a result of me putting everything else aside so I could force myself to focus on the big, important things. Getting things done. And instead, everything fell apart. And it fell apart so hard that now caffeine does nothing for me and unfortunately I don't want to be around other humans without it. Physical activity is easy (why exactly do people need a coffee to get up in the morning, WTF is this backwards nonsense???) but mentally I just don't care. And I'm pissed off that this course of action only made me get less things done instead of more.
I'm also just, angry. All the time. I'm angry at a whole truckload of specific and wide demographics online. I'm angry at so many people on deviantART and social media and everywhere you would find people. I actually hate most people on dA and I have since before 2014 even started, but it's only intensified so much lately. I guess one person on here knows at least part of who I'm talking about. I think I scared him off from me though when I got really snappy and bitter one day. But I'm an angry person who holds hateful feelings for like, almost everyone. I always have been. You guys just don't know it because I've managed to stifle myself on here a whole lot, without even lying about my feelings. I don't know how I did that, frankly. I really don't.
As for this very moment in time, I'm on the junk laptop
again because my power cord like... fell apart. I've gone through three old power cords and they all split in the same fashion and I accept those, but this one separated in a completely different, unique way, and happened over the course of about a 32-hour period. It was bizarre and sudden and I'm beginning to think that November > May is an awful time for electronics to stay in one piece. But this happened at the worst time, when I thought things were getting a little better, and it won't be resolved until at least a few more days. It's been several weeks. I'm really stressed being stuck on the junk laptop.
Once I get my main laptop back, things are going to be really different. I'm not sure if old Rena is still here, but like, current Rena is going to be really different. Commissions will either stop entirely or move to an entirely different direction. And I still owe two people things, one of which I think I owe a lot because she and I were talking since September and I accidentally made something difficult for her. And the other person, uh, well, that was a $50 commission from January and it's May now. I am going to have to find some arrangement, maybe I can find it in myself to finish that art (it was a really good idea, frankly) or maybe I'll have to refund them. I wouldn't feel as bad but $50 is pretty close to my minimum limit for "wow damn Rena you need to make sure you do this one justice" and then my laptop fan broke and then Rena broke.
After those commissions, I'm probably just going to like, stop doing things that aren't for me. I want to do things for me. I've actually done several art pieces all for me, these past several weeks, because it's been the only thing that gave my heart much happiness. And I guess I'm going to stop pretend-lying about myself. I guess most of my friends know the more real sides of me anyways, but I kept up a nice, pleasant image of myself for a long time, and I'm sad that it's probably going to go away because it's just going to make me feel like all the people I strongly dislike. I'm so similar to the people I dislike that it's really awkward, it's some kind of dumb irony. I dunno. Now I'm being vague, I hate that, I'll explain later <_<
Things and people suck. And I haven't wanted to be alive for about the past two weeks, and it's been stressful beyond stress. And there are some people in my life I really wish I could end. Like, in any way possible, just, end. Gone. Not existing. But that isn't possible, so, I have to be stuck here being angry. I'm always angry.
Like that's what you should expect from now until probably September when my demeanor magically shifts, which it only will if something good happens, and September is an awful month for me every year so it probably won't happen.
Basically just expect me to be angry forever and expect me to constantly upload art of anime girls with nice bodies and in general don't be surprised when I crack and specifically point out which kind of people I hate in a journal one day and watch as my follow list and friends all shrink to zero.
And that was the worst explanation ever of why Rena was gone for a third of a year. You should like, not feel sorry for me. I guess.
